TRUMP VERSUS ELON: THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, CLASSY, TREMENDOUS FEUD (AND HOW I, DON DON DON, MADE PEACE—YOU’RE WELCOME)

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By Don Don Don (the ONLY Don you need), Canamericanews

Folks, let me tell you, this was the biggest, most luxurious billionaire feud you’ve ever seen. People are still talking about it. They say, “Don, you’ve seen a lot of feuds—how does this one stack up?” And I say, “It’s YUGE. Maybe the hugest. Bigger than Rosie O’Donnell, believe me.” Now a word from our sponsor:

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The Big Beautiful Bill—So Beautiful, Elon Couldn’t Handle It

We start with my “One Big Beautiful Bill Act.” People said it couldn’t be done. They said, “Don, how can you make a bill this beautiful?” And I did it. Tax cuts, border security, and—sorry, Elon—no more freebie handouts for electric cars. Maybe next time, try building a wall that charges Teslas, am I right?

Elon, who’s a nice guy, very smart—some say too smart, maybe not as smart as me, but smart—he goes on Twitter and calls my bill a “disgusting abomination.” Disgusting! I haven’t heard language like that since Crooked Hillary tried to order a Trump Steak well done.

NASA, Epstein, and the Twitter Tantrum—Sad!

Then, Elon gets upset because I didn’t make his buddy head of NASA. I said, “NASA needs winners, not just people who know how to tweet memes about Mars.” Next thing you know, Elon’s tweeting about Epstein. Not classy! Totally fake news. If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to link me to Epstein, I’d have… well, I’d have as much money as Elon. Maybe more. Probably more.

Elon threatens to ground his rockets. I say, “Fine, I’ll build a Trump Space Force. It’ll be tremendous. Gold-plated rockets. People will love it.”

JD Vance, Theo Von, and the Podcast Power Move

Enter JD Vance—great guy, strong jawline, tremendous vice president. He goes on Theo Von’s podcast. (Theo, by the way, very funny, very talented, not as funny as me, but who is?) JD sees Elon’s tweet and says, “Absolutely not. Trump did nothing wrong. Total BS.” That’s loyalty, folks. That’s what I like to see. JD knows, if you’re not loyal, you’re out—just ask Jeff Sessions.

JD says Elon’s just new to politics, doesn’t know how the game is played. He’s used to firing people with a tweet. In politics, you fire people with a rally and a nickname. Much more effective.

The Big, Beautiful Make-Up—With Emoji!

Just when it looked like we’d have the first-ever Billionaire Smackdown LIVE on C-SPAN, I said, “Let’s be classy. Let’s be winners.” Elon deletes his nasty tweets, sends JD a laughing emoji. That’s how billionaires apologize, folks. No tears, just emojis.

America wins. The stock market goes up. NASA engineers stop crying in the bathroom. Even Jeff Bezos cracks a smile, and that guy hasn’t smiled since 2004.

So what’s the lesson?
When you’re the best, people come after you. But if you’re really the best—like me, Don Don Don—you make peace, you make deals, and you make America laugh. If you enjoyed this, subscribe to Canamericanews. Share it with your friends, your family, your neighbor with the ugly Prius. Don’t miss the next episode of America’s favorite reality show—because when the news is this classy, you need the best, most luxurious newsletter in the world.

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And remember: Nobody makes up like Trump. Nobody.