THE YUGE BILL BLAST

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Hello, Canamerica!
It’s me, Don Don Don, coming at you with the greatest, the most beautiful, the most tremendous newsletter you’ve ever read. People are talking, folks. They say, “Don Don Don, what’s in this Big Beautiful Bill?” Well, let me tell you—nobody knows bills like I know bills. I’ve seen a lot of bills, but this one? This one is the best. Absolutely the best. Maybe ever. Maybe in the history of bills. Now a word from our sponsor:

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The Bill: So Beautiful, So Big, So… Everything

First, let’s get one thing straight: this bill is HUGE. Over 1,000 pages—nobody reads that much, except maybe me. I read it twice. Maybe three times. It’s got everything:

• Tax cuts for everyone who matters (and some who don’t, but we’re generous, very generous).

• No taxes on tips! If you work for tips, you’re going to love me. You already do, but now you’ll love me more.

• Business expensing? You can expense everything. Buy a golden escalator, write it off. That’s how you build an empire, folks.

• Medicaid and SNAP cuts? Look, we’re saving the country. Nobody likes waste. Except maybe the other guys. Sad!

• Military spending? Through the roof. We’re building the best dome. The Golden Dome. Nobody’s getting through. Not even a mosquito.

How Does It Affect You?

Consumers:

You’re going to pay less tax. Maybe. Unless you’re poor, but let’s be honest, you should try harder. Prices might go up because of tariffs, but that’s called winning—we win, they lose. You’ll feel it at Walmart. Blame China.

Can-American Businessmen:

You’re going to love it. Unless you’re in green energy, then maybe not so much. But if you like oil, steel, or just making money, this is your bill. Cross-border trade? We’re making deals. The best deals. Unless Canada gets cute, then we tariff them so hard their maple syrup turns sour.

Investors:

The stock market? It’s going to go up. Or down. But mostly up. Trust me. Ignore the fake news. Buy low, sell high—classic Don Don Don strategy.

Trade Relations:

We’re putting America first. And Canamerica second. Maybe third. Depends who’s nicer to me. Tariffs everywhere. It’s called leverage. You want to sell us stuff? Pay the toll. That’s business, baby.

Politics:

Democrats are crying. Republicans are winning. The people love me. The media hates me. That’s how you know it’s working. They say it’s divisive—I say it’s decisive. Big difference.

The Bottom Line

This bill is so beautiful, it’ll make your head spin. Maybe you’ll lose your health insurance, but you’ll gain something even better—the feeling of winning. We’re making Canamerica great again, again.

Don’t miss the next issue, folks. Subscribe to the Canamericanews email list—do it now! Only losers miss out. Be a winner. Subscribe!