Don Deals: Trump Ends Rwanda War, Threatens World Peace with “No Trade, No Trouble” Doctrine

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Don Don Don! Hold onto your tariffs, folks—Donald J. Trump, the man who once tried to buy Greenland and sell steaks at the United Nations, has now brokered peace in Rwanda and the Democratic Republic of Congo. That’s right: the art of the deal has gone global, and this time, it’s not just about hotels or hats—it’s about halting wars with the power of, you guessed it, trade deals. Now for our sponsor:

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The Trump Doctrine: “No Trade, No Trouble”

In a move that shocked diplomats and delighted late-night comedians, Trump unveiled his new foreign policy: countries at war? No trade for you! The logic? If you can’t play nice, you don’t get to play at all—at least not in the world’s biggest economic sandbox.

“Trade is like golf,” Trump declared at a recent rally. “If you cheat, you’re out of the club. And believe me, nobody loves clubs more than me.”

Did Trade Ever Buy Peace?

Trump’s team claims this is “the biggest, most beautiful peace plan ever.” But does history agree? Let’s check the scoreboard:

• Economic sanctions: Sometimes they work, sometimes they just make everyone hangry. (See: Russia, Iran, North Korea.)

• World Wars: Turns out, blockading your enemies doesn’t always make them friendlier. Sometimes it just makes them invade Poland.

• Sanctions Success Rate: About as reliable as Trump University diplomas—maybe one in three, if you’re lucky.

Rwanda: The Deal of the Century?

To be fair, the Trump-brokered peace between Rwanda and the DRC is a big deal. Both countries agreed to stop supporting rebels, let refugees come home, and—most importantly—let American companies invest in their minerals. (Because nothing says “peace” like a new Trump Tower in Kinshasa.)

Can He End All Wars?

Trump’s vision: a world where every conflict is solved with a handshake and a tariff. Skeptics say trade alone can’t buy peace, but Trump’s not listening. “I’ve ended more wars than anyone—maybe ever. People are saying it. You’ll see.”

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Will Trump’s “No Trade, No Trouble” doctrine bring world peace, or just more headlines? Will Canada survive the wrath of Don over digital taxes? Will the next Nobel Peace Prize be gold-plated and monogrammed?

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